crossing cultures (aka marriage)

Sometimes marriage is challenging for missionaries...and everyone else, too. It occurred to me that if I approached my marriage the way I've been trained to approach a foreign culture I might become a better husband. I'm going to briefly describe a tool for crossing cultures well. It's called The Entry Posture Diagram. There are two ways to enter a new culture. I'll call the first the high road. On the high road we enter with an attitude of openness, acceptance, trust, and adaptability. The low road, however, is marked by suspicion, fear, superiority, and prejudice.

When we encounter cultural differences (like a new language, strange foods, or a different sense of humor) we experience dissonance. Dissonance causes us to feel frustration, confusion, embarrassment (like the time the spring loaded bus seat surprised me and I ungracefully sat on the floor), or even aggression. Now it matters greatly which road I’m on. If I entered the culture on the high road I will now put my efforts in observation, inquiry, listening, and initiating. If I entered on the low road I will instead cope by criticizing, rationalizing, and choosing isolation. High road coping results in understanding, empathy, and deepening relationships. Low road coping results in alienation, withdrawal, and broken relationships. The experience of dissonance comes again and again, and at any point in time a change in my attitude can mean switching roads.

Now let’s apply this to marriage. If you’re like me you married into another culture. When we visit my family everyone’s in bed by 11:00 (or asleep on the couch with Fox News or ESPN in the background). But 11:00 with Trina’s family is the time we get out a game and make some nachos. And of course the differences cover other, more significant areas too, such as dealing with conflict and child rearing. When we’re with Trina’s family or when I notice how Trina chooses to manage certain aspects of our home, I can think, “That’s not how my mom did it.” Or, “That’s interesting. I wonder why she...” Can you see which thought will lead to trouble? You can probably think of instances where you thought one way or the other. You probably didn’t know you were choosing between the high and the low roads.

So let’s choose the high road and relate to our spouses with openness, acceptance, trust, and adaptability. The holiday season is almost here and you just might experience dissonance over turkey dinner with the in-laws. What a great time to practice taking the high road.